36 and Thankful...

Just a little tangent from our Thailand updates...

I celebrated my 36th birthday this past Sunday. I've been anticipating this particular birthday for some time now. It seemed significant to me because as this year progresses, I will have lived days, weeks, months, years longer without my dad, than with him. He passed when I was 18 years old on January 31st...so in just 2 months...

I was a freshman in college, and he died in an accident driving alone from SoCal to NorCal. At that point, it really was survival mode for the 4 ladies he left behind. It didn't hit me then how young I actually was when he passed because it's hard to know what the reality of your future will be at that age.

It's bittersweet...so thankful to God who's sustained our family and blessed us so abundantly. He's so kind. But there is sadness as the memories fade, and my father becomes less a part of my life than I want him to be. I want to hold onto what's slipping away. I wonder how I can keep his presence alive in my life and in the lives of my kids, who've never even met him.

In the days, weeks, and months after he passed, it was keeping things of his (clothes he wore all the time), photos of him, anything to help me feel close to him. I longed to meet him in my dreams. Now my memories of him almost seem like a dream. During the first year, the hardest part seemed to be trying to navigate how to move on without losing him completely. I thought there wouldn't be a day that would pass without me thinking about him. Now, there are just days that I think about him. I still get emotional when there are random movie scenes with people grieving the loss of a loved one. I remember one scene in particular from a Korean drama where a little boy put his deceased parent's clothing over his head, smelled it, and then when he pulled it off, he was in tears. I remember showing this scene to my sisters and we all started crying together. We all shared that we each did the same thing. I remember the first time driving to SoCal down the same roads my dad took when he passed. I couldn't hold back my grief. When I looked over at my mom, she was crying too. Then we held each other in the car. The pain of his loss is unlike anything that I have felt, an actual physical, aching pain. Attending classes seemed so trivial. I would often go on campus, then walk around aimlessly. I felt guilty having fun with friends, but so lonely when I was by myself. What seemed harder than the mourning was then the "life after." How our lives changed so suddenly and how we had to now cope with the unexpected. Moving in with my mom during my junior year and commuting to school. Where my sisters would settle after they got married. How my sisters were beginning new families of their own, so it was just mom and me. So many new things to think about.

And yet, the Lord healed my pain. What seemed like an insurmountable mountain to climb is something I now look back upon, wondering how I got to this point. This point of peace. This point of joy. I remember clinging to Jeremiah 29:11-13, "For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare, not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." It was the turning point in my faith, when I sought hard after the Lord, and fell deeply in love with Him. It's when I learned that this life is not our treasure, but it is Jesus and eternity with Him. It's when I connected so deeply with John Piper's teachings that revolved around the truth that God is most magnified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

It is his loss that made me learn to cherish each day. Why I know I may not have tomorrow with David, with my kids. Why it's not, "When the kids..." but "Lord-willing, if the kids..." It's what drew me to David who seemed to have the same perspective on life and wanting to invest in eternity. It's why I love being around people who knew my dad, who remember him.

The first year anniversary was significant, then the 10-year, and perhaps I've created this 18-year mark to insist on a moment to reflect and remember.

As I've been recently processing the significance of this year, in God's sovereignty and goodness, I unexpectedly hosted our neighbor's guest for the last 2 weeks. (Our neighbors had to suddenly leave for the States while their sister decided to stick with the original plan to visit Thailand.) It turns out that this Korean American woman lost her husband in a car accident when she was in her 30s. (My mom lost my dad when she was 45. He was 55.) Her son and daughter were in elementary school. We spent the last 2 weeks talking about what life has been like because of the loss and the ways the Lord sustained our families throughout. I'm even more thankful that I had the limited years I did with him, as I felt sadness for her kids who only had a few years before losing their father.

But what remains, of course, is the wish that my dad could've been a part of the milestones...to see me graduate after enduring the most painful years without him, to rejoice in my becoming financially independent as I pursued a career, to watch his youngest daughter transition into adulthood, to know I married a man who loves Jesus, to see the fulfillment of our greatest desire to serve God abroad, and most of all, to enjoy his precious grandchildren who are more than I could've ever asked for.

As I reflect though, mostly there's just thankfulness...thankful for my mom who is the strongest woman I know...thankful for my sisters who are my strength...thankful for all our husbands who are good men who love Jesus and take care of their families...thankful for David who made me enjoy "this life" again, rather than just wishing I could be in the next...thankful for the many friends who helped me get through the darkest times...thankful for the ways his loss has helped me instantly connect with others who've experienced the same loss and taught me how to help others...most of all, I'm thankful for Jesus who filled up the emptiness I felt when he parted. It took some time, but I am more than whole and have so much to give because of what He has wrought out of my loss.

One of my final conversations with my dad was during my winter break, just before he passed. My grandmother had passed just a few months earlier. We were driving in the car alone. He said he and my mom were considering buying burial plots next to my grandmother. The thought made me sad. He said, "I know it's sad, but it's going to happen one day. And when it happens, I'll just be waiting for Jesus to come back." About a month later, he passed. The last time I saw him was when he dropped me off at my apartment after winter break. I still remember seeing his face peeking through the front door to say bye one last time before he left me. Can't wait to rejoice with him in heaven.

Annual ski trip...he hated skiing:

Last family trip before Charles & Chris were part of the family, months before he passed:

My dad's last bday card to me. He was always so good at things like this:

"My loving Ester, Happy birthday. You're already 18! From this point on, you're no longer a baby. Praying that you would be a healthy, lovely, wise, God-loving daughter. Mom, Dad.":

Swan's wedding, a year after he passed:


Sung's wedding, 2 years after he passed:


My graduation:


My wedding:




10-year memorial:

"Daughters: SeungWon, SungYun, JaeWon":

That's Jakey & Shelby:

My dad's brother with Eli:

Celebrating my bday with the visitor I've been hosting the last 2 weeks:

Thank you Jesus. I think we're doing okay...

We're Still Here...(Part 1 of 3)

Ok...let's see how far I can get here...Alli's taking a nap and the boys are watching a movie. I'm finally motivated to try to write a new post. This will be the first of 3 posts as I try to catch up to where we are now.

UPDATE: I had to stop partway through the post after Alli started crying, so now it's the evening and everyone is out for the night.

Let's see...it's been almost 6 months since my last post. With 3 kids and a busy schedule, it's been easier to post quickly on Facebook than on our blog, so please "friend" us there if you want to keep up with us more regularly.

Here's my Facebook album with pictures of our Life in Thailand.

I'll pick up from where I left off and see how far we get.

Allison
So, yeah...Alli was born on April 20. =P She's now 6 months and is growing and developing so well. We're so thankful to God for blessing us with a beautiful daughter and that she (and I) have gone 6 months without getting sick, even with all the boys in our family (including David) enduring several bouts of colds, flus, and stomach viruses.

I don't know why it is, but girls do truly develop faster than boys. Or maybe it's because she was born drug-free. =P She had reflux as a newborn, so we had to always keep her upright. I usually kept her in the baby carrier. We also put her to sleep on her tummy because she just hated being on her back. Because of that, she started trying to crawl at 4 months. Now at 6 months, she's quite the crawler. She's also pulling up to stand and cruising when given the opportunity! We've had to resort to using the mattress pad that Eli usually sleeps on as her playmat. I think she's the most active and loudest of the 3. The whole family's enjoying her so much.

Ian and Eli run downstairs every morning to play with her before school. Ian is a great older brother who plays gently with her and helps me watch her when I'm busy with other tasks. Eli adores her and is learning how to play nicely with her and trying not to smother her with his hugs and body.

Here's my Facebook album with pictures of Allison.

My Mom
David started his official first day of work at ZOE on May 1st. Thankfully, my mom was still here at that time, as I adjusted to our new life of 5. She was an enormous help and blessing as she helped with cooking, cleaning, and caring for the boys. She stayed from March through the end of May during the hottest time of year and when the air quality is the worst. While I was sad to see her go, I was glad that she was able to get some rest with a stopover in Korea for a week on her way back to the States. Her health took a slight beating during her stay here, but all her numbers went back to normal after returning to the States. It was also challenging, but nice to try caring for the family on my own.

And here's my Facebook album of my Mom in Thailand.

David

After about 6 months of language study and settling in, David began his first official day of work at ZOE in May. His first assignment was to attend a 5-day self-defense training course with ZOE's Child Rescue Team. They spent all day learning techniques and sparring with each other in a room without air conditioning, only fans. Needless to say, it was an intense first week. Here are some photos from the training:

Missionaries David, Greg, and Rob (on the ground) with the trainer:

Missionary Sam:

I don't have any shots of David sparring, but here's a shot of some of the aftermath:

His next project was to host a team of 12 interns from The Master's College, which happens to be affiliated with the seminary David graduated from. They were here for 6 weeks working on various projects for all the different ZOE departments, from sewing curtains, school outreaches, manual labor projects, to activities with the children at ZOE. Ian had a blast going to ZOE with David every Saturday to play with the kids and the interns. I think it was reminiscent for him of our lives in the States with our church family, having the attention of so many to play and talk with. He talked and asked about the interns daily during their time here. Here are some shots of the team:

The team at an outreach:

What a treat for Ian to be able to celebrate his birthday with the team:

One of Ian's buddies, Phill:

One of the interns is a photographer (Emma Leigh Photography), and she generously offered to take some family photos for us before she left. Here are some of my favorites.

In addition to hosting the Master's team, David also worked on developing protocols for areas of his responsibility and also counseled with individuals who work on the field for ZOE to assist with child rescue investigations.

He hasn't been able to continue his language studies with his new work schedule, but he does get to practice and hear Thai more often now that he works amongst Thai staff and the children.

Ian
After moving to a new country and beginning half-day kindergarten at the start of his school's 2nd quarter, Ian finished off the year at the beginning of June. Looking back, he accomplished so much. He learned to write his uppercase and lowercase letters, practiced adding his numbers, made new friends, studied Thai once a week, and learned to work through emotional setbacks on a daily basis...all while adjusting to a new life in a foreign country. We couldn't have been prouder of him as he finished off the school year. One of our greatest concerns in our move was how our sensitive Ian would handle the move to Thailand, but by God's grace and through all your prayers, it ended up being one of our least concerns.

In particular, he enjoyed attending a Christian school where he was surrounded by peers, older students, and teachers who knew about Jesus, sang about Jesus at weekly chapel, and shared prayer requests and praises regularly.

He continues to entertain, endear, and exhaust us with his many questions. Every day, he's learning how to respond graciously to his rambunctious little brother who seeks his attention by taking away his toys and smothering him. One of his great accomplishments is being able to play games like Candyland without throwing a fit whenever he gets sent back to the start or loses. He's still working through trying to use his words to express his discontent in the classroom, rather than immediately breaking down in tears. This still happens in 1st grade, but not as frequently. He's also learning to do his best to participate rather than quit even though the newness or difficulty of an activity causes sensory overload and great anxiety. Most importantly though, he continues to process his daily life's experiences in the context of something greater than himself. We continue to pray for a deeper understanding of who Jesus is to him personally as we try to highlight the Lord's presence and hand in every aspect of our lives, each and every day.

Here are some photos of Ian:

Playdate with his fellow Korean friend John, whose older sisters must've influenced his Kpop look:

Last day of school:

 Graduation:

What his teacher wrote about him:

Celebrating his 6th birthday in Thailand:

Eli
Our very active Eli finished his school term at his bilingual school in early March and attended a summer program from March to April, which is summer in Thailand. His 2nd year of preschool began mid-May. He loves attending school until 12pm every day, continuing to charm the entire staff and enjoying play with his Thai friends.

The adjustment to being a middle child wasn't as rough for him as our initial move here, mostly because he now has words to express himself, rather than screams and physical tantrums. But the transition hasn't been without difficulty. He's definitely in need of attention from us all.

His great accomplishments have been potty training (yipee!), willingness to feed himself (he's still working through this), and knowing/writing his letters and all their sounds. He continues to challenge us with obsessive-compulsive tendencies, throwing tantrums when we don't have time to wait for him to do things "his way." However, now we've worked through most of the issues and now have the tools to address his heart and behavior as he tries to balance independence and obedience.

He continues to delight us every day with his uncanny ability to learn choreographed dances and routines from his favorite shows. He's moved on from The Wiggles and now loves to do Power Ranger poses, but he still loves Yo Gabba Gabba and Imagination Movers. He has a lot of personality and brings us great joy with his affectionate hugs and kisses.

Here are some photos of our crazy Eli:

In his uniform:

He loves dressing up, but it's so hot!

Music & Movement:

Summer camp fun:

Initially, we didn't anticipate putting Eli in school when we arrived. But his preschool has been a tremendous help and support for us during our transition. We're so thankful for the dedicated and caring staff. We feel like we're sending him to family every day.

Me
The adjustment to caring for the family after my mom left has been hard, but not as crazy as I anticipated. Thank you God! If I prepare a day's schedule at least the day before, it's actually quite manageable. The problem is taking the time to prepare. Most of my days revolve around meal preparations, cleanup, errands, and just trying to enjoy the family in the midst of it all. I took a break from Thai lessons beginning in April and started up again after I returned from the States.

Ok, this post was quite a marathon. The next one will be about our return to the States for our first visit back. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Thailand Fails on Trafficking

Please pray for Thailand...

Thailand Fails on Trafficking

Birthing in Thailand...

Ok, let's see how far I can get with this post before I have to tend to my kids...

On April 20 at 11:29pm, we welcomed Allison Jessie Yu into the world. She was 7 pounds, 5 ounces and 19.3 inches. She weighed a pound heavier than the boys at birth. We're so thankful that she was born healthy and that my recovery has gone smoothly. It was truly one of the hardest physical experiences I've had to endure, but the Lord sustained me. Praise God!

We were originally going to deliver at Chiang Mai Ram Hospital, the only local hospital that administered an epidural. But a few weeks before my due date, the hospital announced it would no longer give epidurals for natural births. We decided to deliver at a different local hospital called Sriphat. In some cases of emergencies, newborns are transported from Ram to Sriphat, so we thought we'd go with them. While there were many uncertainties and concerns, there was much peace as we meditated on the truth that the Lord would work all things out according to His good purposes. We met one woman who came from Vietnam to deliver at Ram, but ended up traveling 3 hours to Chiang Rai to get an epidural.

My original estimated due date was April 10, but my ultrasound seemed to show an April 17 due date. After many bounces on the yoga ball and then a 20-minute walk, on the evening of April 20, just after dinner around 7pm, I felt some strong contractions. They were coming about every 10 minutes. Then after 8pm, they were coming about every 5-7 minutes. We were told to stay at home as long as possible so that we wouldn't have to labor at the hospital for very long. But once I had to stop and use the wall for support through contractions, I told David I wanted to go to the hospital. I didn't want to be keeled over in the car.

We arrived at the hospital around 9pm. I was 5cm dilated. It was eery when we arrived because there were no other patients and the lights were all turned off except some dim lights where the nurses were.

Here I am waiting for a contraction on a yoga ball:

The room itself was nice:

Ok, here it comes:

Ouch...do you like David posing while I'm in pain? Months ago, I told David that if I have to give birth without an epidural, he would have to sing Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" to me. He did sing a line or two, then started playing and singing some DeBarge song to me. I told him I didn't want music after all. 

Another mom who just gave birth a few months before me told me that someone told her that when your legs start shaking through contractions from the pain, you're at 7cm. She said this ended up being true for her. Sure enough, my legs started shaking. When they checked me at 10:30pm, I was indeed 7cm. While going from 5cm to 7cm was painful, everything after 7cm was unbearable. I tried my best to use the techniques we learned to relax through the contractions and not fight against them. I was able to do this until 7cm. After 7cm, I just couldn't relax through them. The doctor kept asking if I wanted to lay down, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to adjust positions from a reclined position once the contractions came. So I stayed on a yoga ball, hunched over at the foot of the bed. The pain was so intense that I started rubbing my forehead on the bed, moaning, pulling on my hair (I think to create an alternate source of pain), scratching the bed, and shaking my head and breathing out like a horse. David said he's never seen me like that and I was going crazy. I actually wish someone videotaped me so I could watch myself go crazy and at least get a good laugh with my sisters.

Around 11:15pm, I couldn't take it anymore and I asked for some medication. They were just walking in with demerol, when I said that I felt like pushing. They hurriedly got me on the bed. I was 9cm. I thought the pushing would be easy, but I had several moments of panic when I thought I wouldn't be able to push her out. At this point, I was screaming, yelling, and crying, "Help me, please! Help me, please! Get her out!" While pushing, the Thai nurses howl "Oooooo." I heard about this, so it was funny to experience it. Thankfully, Allison came at 11:29pm. I was told that because the labor was so quick, it was more painful. At the same time, I don't know if I could've endured a longer labor. After all this, I don't think I could go through labor without an epidural again, but God-willing, I won't have to because if it's up to us, we're very happy with our family of 5. =)

Here she is:

Proud papa:

Relieved mama:

A visit from my mom and the boys:

Our duplex neighbors, who've become close friends, brought them. This is Mrs. Chang: 

"We did it!":

"Hello world!":

We left less than 24 hours in post-partum. The doctor only ordered Tylenol for me, and for some reason, the nurses were slow to bring it to me after repeated requests. With that, the ants on the countertops and tables, the language barrier, and general hygiene concerns, I thought I would just be more comfortable recovering at home.

"Home sweet home":

Excited big brother Ian:

Curious big brother Eli:

The men in her life:

Very alert:

Daddy's in love:

Gaining well:

Gaining really well:

Lately, she spends a lot of time in the Bjorn because she seems to have acid reflux, so she's very colicky. She cries in pain and she's inconsolable during some parts of the day. She doesn't like to be laid flat.

We were able to celebrate Mother's Day out with the family. I couldn't have gotten through these last few months without my wonderful mom:

We have yet to get a full family shot...Alli was sleeping:

What a blessing to have gotten through all of this with a healthy baby girl and full recovery. We are so thankful for the gift of a beautiful new daughter. We have wonderful support with our ZOE family and new friends we've made here in Chiang Mai. God is good. And here's a wonderful care package with requested items from our church family back home: